Becoming more Intentional about how I work, rest, love, spend, and create
I was watching a video online that served as such a divine mirror, I need to write about it. Listening to the presented message. I realized that I was not alone in my recent pursuit of happiness and intentional living, that felt good in my physical experience. I had me thinking about the many versions of me I’d become over the years, and ultimate why they never lasted long. The message had me thinking about the most recent time I called myself manifesting my “dream” life.
I’d finally arrived at the moment where I felt deeply grateful for the life that I’d created for myself. But I was hiding a deep secret that would expose the truth of how I really felt about where I arrived in life. They say inner child healing will always highlight where you’ve been lying to yourself.
And of course, my inner child lit my ass up…
There I was married, operating my bookkeeping and virtual assistant business from home, working out of coffee shops, bills paid, all my needs were met, yet —I still felt envy, insecure and fearful in my life. I was performing gratitude, because deep down I’d built a life from survival and scarcity.
Then that reality was snatched right from under me in 2023. The clients I had no longer aligned, my husband was randomly fired from his job, and months later we both were sitting in a new hire orientation class for a new corporate job. Now it’s been 3 years later and while I have rebuilt my life and financial security, this reality was also built from a seed of survival.
Today, I write on the New Moon in Libra during a Venus Retrograde in Scorpio. It deeply aligns with my desire to re-evaluate my vision and values, so I can experience the highest expression of my life on a daily bases. Sometimes on my morning commutes, I document my experience on voice notes and maybe one day I will share them publicly. For now they serve as a safe space for me to talk myself through my daily experience during a time it’s just me and my thoughts.
For the last 30-days, I've been reflecting on how I work, rest, love, spend and create—and how I can develop more sustainable routines and rituals around these areas in my life.
My last published post, I shared how I was experiencing shifts at my full time job. I share how I have been consistently reminded of the promise I made myself back in 2023. Since that post, three attempts at a leadership role and 1 promotion to senior specialist later, I have been embodying what that actually looks like. I like to think of it as leading from the sideline. Maybe it’s a way that I cope with the triple rejection or maybe it’s an embodiment of my promise to go to work and take my ass home. Either way, I’m often checking in on how much real estate I give my job and the residue that can carry over.
That is where, how I rest comes into question. From literal quality of sleep at night to mindful moments that are slow and gentle to my nervous system. Lately, I’ve been loving body work and somatic movement. I schedule a deep tissue massage appointment at least once a month for an hour. I also wake up each morning a practice somatic movement and breath work to release any tension in my chest and lower back. My life requires alot from my nervous system and muscles, so it’s my way of pouring back into my body. The big yawns and watery eyes are worth it every time.
Truthfully, that’s the root of living more intentional. How my life makes my body feel? Recently, I sat with the discomfort in my body I’d been suppressing. I acknowledged how my professional life doesn’t feel good in my body and the grief of not experiencing my desired way of earning money hurt too. I admitted that I miss the life I had before corporate and I fear the work required for me to embody the highest expression of my soul’s work here on Earth.
Sitting with that discomfort exposed two choices: I could let the discomfort stop me and stay feeling stuck, scary and insecure in my ability to make some shit shake in my life OR I could feel the discomfort and realize that the version of me who decided to elevate her routines and rituals felt it too but took action anyway. I had to choose and I had to accept that discomfort is apart of the growth process. That’s where the most growth happens, and I have proof because it’s experienced every time I’m presented with an opportunity to shift. The only difference this time is I’m actively choosing every single day to take myself seriously!
I have 6-months to complete 3 personal tasks. These personal task are related to any external goals or achievements, they are 3 tasks I’ve been putting off due to fear. In the next 6-months I am locked in and making the aligned decisions to complete these tasks. I will be sharing the closer on my YouTube Channel and my newsletter over on Substack.
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